Nice for What

Today we made a Valentine’s Day Nice Cream as part of our afternoon activities.

Nice Cream is great because:

– It’s simple and it’s healthy. Our children can still enjoy a frozen treat without all the extra sugars, preservatives, colourants etc that I am alway working so hard to eliminate from or minimize in their diet.

– Nice cream puts leftover/surplus fruit to good use – just chop and freeze.

– The kids can all participate at every stage of its preparation.

The nice cream we made today has 3 ingredients:

frozen banana

frozen strawberries

coconut milk

I don’t really measure by metrics, I just throw stuff in there until it looks right. You can’t really go wrong with 3 ingredients.

Utensils we used:

food processor

spoons (for scooping and tasting)

air tight, freezer container


Throw into the food processor and and whizz it around til it looks creamy and yummy.

If you’re making it with your kids, you can serve right away because they might not want to wait 🤣

If they agree to wait, scoop the mixture into a container and freeze for an hour or so and serve when you’re ready.

Radical Self-Cav’

Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down.

And I’d like to take a minute,

Just sit right there,

I’ll tell you how my children taught me self-cav*, and healed me.

So, remember when I said I’m done making babies, and then my ancestors said YOU THOUGHT and sent bats to announce our pregnancy with Yeye? No? Here’s a recap:
Our pregnancy came at the end of a very busy year for me, dlozically as a brand new gobela (I’d been trying to avoid this as well). With the support of my gobela, I had initiated new izangoma with roots in Lesotho and Zimbabwe so I travelled a lot! 

Initiating women who are around my age, and are also mothers, made me wonder how my life would have been, if I had become a sangoma later in my life, instead of at 23.

Living with idlozi for most of my life, I have struggled to articulate “who” I am, in the way people like to ask women to define themselves outside of their relationships and kinship with others.

I’ve struggled to reconcile the spiritual authority and sacred sight of my practice, through the Gifts of Spirit from amadlozi, WHILE having to live in constant surrender of, and faith in the unknown and intangible in my own life. I don’t really even know where idlozi ends, and I begin…is there even a distinction?

Pregnancy for me, has been a similar experience of surrender and service, having to share my body and life forever with someone in a way where I can’t even imagine anything else. I am in awe, grateful, growing, exhausted, annoyed and deeply in love… The relationships with my children and amadlozi make me both powerful and vulnerable beyond measure. 

Both ubungoma and motherhood, especially Yeye’s Tadaaahhh! have brought me closer to understanding my Self, and individuality as intrinsically woven into a tapestry of past, present and future; with those around, and within me – a concept I once resisted in pursuit of the “English” type of self-centred individuality and autonomy that sold me dreams. TBH, Shit is mad alienating.

Every single time I’d get to a point of actualising a self-centred version of my autonomy, I’d get boombasted with something that tied me to a past or future, and made me question what I thought I knew about independence and being my own person. 

Puberty – BAM 💥 spiritual gifts and idlozi. Early adulthood – BAM 💥intwaso…late 20s, just as I found my rhythm as a single woman in the city, BAM 💥 I’m coupled up and having a baby, then another one. Just as I got used to that…BAM 💥 amathwasa…and then when I finally began to get my head around having biological and spiritual children, BAM 💥 enter Yeye.

Now, I’m not saying I have no agency, or that my life happens at me. I’m just saying there is a Guidance in my life that is beyond my desires, intentions and influence. There is a me that expands beyond this moment. It’s been very important for me to remember and re-accept the following lessons from my children and amadlozi so that I stay strong and also humble. 

1. Just because I’m not ready, doesn’t mean it’s not time

Our children and my Gogo gyaldem shook up my life and challenged me to grow and step up in ways I just wasn’t prepared for (and didn’t want to, really. It’s petulant but true) I had to deal with my shit quickfast to give the guidance and leadership they deserved. I wasn’t ready, but it was time. Some days I still feel like I’m still not ready, but oksalayo, I’m within, and I’m bringing the pots. 

2. JBS

The best things for my life and bigger picture, aren’t always pleasant, simple or convenient for me. I have had my heart broken and spirit shaken while on the journey to a better me. The lie of the “English Me” had me almost believing that if something is meant for me, it will flow sweet and easy like Christmas custard over canned peaches. Nope. Sometimes the best thing comes with struggle, and struggle isn’t always synonymous with suffering.

3. Self-cav is the best cav’

I spent many years feeling fearful of scrutiny and failure, and feeling undeserving of my accomplishments and the support of my community. Just watching my children grow has taught me so much. Children DGAF. They celebrate themselves unapologetically, push ALL the boundaries to learn something new, and they just don’t give up. They live entirely in the moment. 

Seeing my babies just gooi on the daily, has inspired me so much. I want them to grow their little sparks of life into huge flames, and I need to honour them by fanning my own. 

I am Mama, Gogo and Baba. I am me, and I’m part of a Cosmic “We” – a cell in the organism of family and community. Super important and tiny. Remembering to see myself in this context has helped me to find courage and confidence to live my best life, because really, what’s fear and failure when I’m cocooned in ubuntu and love of generations?

I imagine my entire bloodline and the cosmos just laughing at me, every time I thought I could define myself on my lonesome as if I materialised from thin air.

I didn’t come into, and survive this world alone, neither did my parents, nor their parents before them…and so it is with our children too.
* Self-cav : self awareness, self-confidence, recognition of one’s worth.

Labour Day

With each pregnancy, I get asked this question way too many times

Someone: are you going home to have your new baby?

Me: I am home. 


I know it’s a seemingly harmless question, and people do mean well, they usually just want to know if I will have the support I need, and I totally value the support and experience of older mothers and women in general, especially with new babies. 

However, for me, there is a subtext to that question, an indictment on the role and participation of fathers in child care. The implication is that the icky, uncertain beginning phase shouldn’t happen around the dad, which of course says that mfkrs ain’t shit and they can’t/shouldn’t be expected to make any meaningful contribution to a family except a lukewarm presence and maybe some money. 

Herein lies my beef with “going home”, particularly when the mother is in a relationship with the father of the child:

The idea that a mother must go to a female relative, or that relative must come to her for a while, once she’s had a baby in order to rest, recover and receive help is great and terrible. On the one hand, new mums need all the help they can get, and they can take that help in any form they choose to, whatever works for them. Great. I understand that 1. it takes a village; and 2. Apartheid tore our families and communities apart, so our support networks are fragmented or non-existent in the cities where we work so our support system isn’t just down the road.

But, when a woman who has a partner has to rely primarily on other women for essentially what is co-parenting support in that crucial 0-12 week postpartum phase, the implication is the baby is her baby and that a father is just kind of there nje, while the father’s comfort, needs and whims are continually prioritized and celebrated, and he can parent as a “helper”. . Terrible. 

A new mother leaving their partner behind/ moving someone in for those first few weeks post-partum often lets the partner “off the hook” from having to face the reality of his new parent – partnerhood responsibilities. Even our legislation with its nonexistent paternity leave seems to be on this tip. Fathers also need time to bond with and care for their newborns and partners. A bloated, tired, emotional mother and a screeching, squirming new baby come with the package of new fatherhood. 

The gendering of parental and household responsibilities causes the  contribution of women in the household (and their support networks by extension) to become invisible, and if something is invisible it’s not a real thing that needs just compensation, acknowledgement and respect. This of course is juxtaposed with how society fawns over every little thing a man does for his partner family, and we are all meant to kill ourselves with gratitude that a man is participating in his own life. 

Yes, affirmation &recognition are important for male partners too, but hhayi we need higher standards, especially because we’ve come to realize that usually, when a man thinks he’s pulling his weight at home, he usually isn’t. This is simply because there’s a lot of unseen work called emotional labour that men don’t even consider as work, let alone their responsibility.

I’ve read two very good articles on emotional labour and mental load this year and it’s so important to understand these crucial but often invisible (read gendered) aspects of how we relate in and manage our relationships and families.

 Until maybe 2 years ago, I didn’t know that the work of thinking, feeling, considering, initiating, articulating, planning and understanding in a relationship had an actual name. I just called it effort, but that didn’t really translate well and it was a point of tension between us for a while because Alliancepartner puts in a lot of consistent effort, but I didn’t always feel it was in the right direction but couldn’t articulate why. So in our feedback sessions I’d speak about effort but we weren’t really getting each other. 

I remember soon after Kimathi’s birth, one day feeling so naar when Tim said he’s going to the grocery store but wanted me to tell him what to buy even though I hadn’t seen the kitchen in a week. I said “open the cupboards and look”. He was like “just tell me what to get”. It was a big fight. I couldn’t understand how a grown man didn’t “know” what groceries to buy in his own home. He didn’t understand why I was “tripping”. 

I’d just given birth and didn’t have the energy to think, he didn’t think writing a grocery list was work but didn’t consider why he didn’t just do it himself. Ugh. 

Aaanyyywwaaay…🙄 during our counseling we really began exploring ourselves as parents and our perceptions of parenthood based on our childhoods, and it emerged that we both grew up in homes with present but not always emotionally available fathers, and our mothers were the ones who made a lot of that effort that I needed more of but couldn’t articulate, and he didn’t quite grasp, so we basically had to create new languages and ways of parenting and relating, and lay our childhood conditioning to rest. 

It was very difficult to even begin to unpack  how our races, cultures, childhoods and genders affected how we related as a couple, and how we contributed in our family. 

In many ways, building our relationship is quite straightforward – here is ubuntu and friendship , mix with love, reciprocity, chemistry, respect and emotional intelligence, and serve on a bed of progressive, sound, political values. 

But we have also had tears, projections, arguments, bland “I love you but I can’t stand you right now” kisses… “and futhi nje wena”side-eyes … before we got to the “I’m sorry, can we start over?” stage of communicating. 

My own lessons have been to face and confront my own issues, such as how I express my needs, understand my roles in our home, as well as my internal nyovadam that caused my inability to recognize my own emotional labour as legitimate. And while it’s not my responsibility to “teach him nicely”, I do have a responsibility to be sensitive, clear and honest in how I hold him accountable to also brings the pots, recognizing that we are constantly teaching and learning as equals because we both need to give 100% to grow and protect what we have. 

Love Language

This is us, about 18 months into our relationship. 

After our 2nd newborn, 18 months after this picture was taken, I wrote about how we try to deal with tensions and arguments here in Fight Club

Sleep deprivation, new babies, internal changes that come with parenthood, money stress…all of these add to tensions in a marriage which already has other tensions of 2 people growing and living together while growing within themselves too. 

Everyone knows that building something great takes a lot of work and effort – we accept this unquestioningly for everything: career, fitness/health goals, a house, wedding cakes…but somehow, when we talk explicitly about the work and challenges behind marriage and parenthood, the implication can be that we are simply not doing it right because surely it should be simple and flow like in the movies. 

I know I’ve struggled with unlearning that narrative, especially when I was a new mother struggling with post-partum depression and not even considering that I can and should ask for help. 

I opened up again recently on twitter about how much work we put into being together because it’s something we are very proud of – knowing what’s important to and for each other, how we meet each other’s needs, and love each other with action and mindfulness, beyond feelings. 

Our marriage works because we do.

Using the basic concept of love languages, I’d like to share some of the ways we affirm and express our commitment: 

1. Words of Affirmation 
We try to set aside time every week to talk. Especially to affirm each other, our efforts, and express gratitude towards each other for big and small things.

We bring up whatever has been important for us in that week. We revisit and give feedback on any moments of tension, and breakthrough for us as individuals and as a couple. When we are apart, we text and video call.

We have a separate meeting to discuss our plans, align schedules (this is especially important because of all of our responsibilities) discuss our monthly budget as well as other financial and household targets. 

We go to counseling often too because we are working through things all the time. Healing never stops. 

2. Physical Touch

Non-sexual physical contact – affection and tender touch are vital forms of communication for us. There are so many situations where words are simply not adequate. Even when we aren’t getting along very well, we don’t withhold affection or (words of affirmation). It’s a small thing, but it’s important to us.

 Our kids are also affectionate so nje family cuddle piles are a thing. 

3. Quality Time

Mornings are family time – we lie in bed together, talk about how we slept and what we dreamt about, we tell the kids what we are up to on that day then we get up for breakfast and geza time. The kids wake up super early, so we don’t always get alone time before starting our day, but we make sure that after we’ve read to them and put them in bed at night, we hang out together and catch up before we get ready for bed. We sometimes work in the evenings but that always comes after we touch base.

Living together doesn’t mean we automatically get time to be consciously together, so we also have to schedule dates. 

4. Acts of Service 

There’s a lot of physical, mental and emotional labour that goes into running a household and growing a family. We have been explicit about how we share the load. This allows us to be accountable and more considerate, especially during busy/stressful times. Being aware of what we both do for each other and our family brings mindfulness and gratitude to the constant effort we both make, and in that way, we don’t take each other for granted. 

5. Gift giving 

We’ve decided to give each other the gift of financial planning and savings for our futures. It’s not always fun, but it means everything to us. I mean we do get other gifts for each other and  the thing we like to get the most, is this work.

Issa Snack

Hi, my name is Nokulinda and I’m a recovering sugar addict and comfort eater. my ongoing recovery has helped me to be better at making food for my family. 

I’ve struggled with my relationship with sugar as an adult, I have personally made very poor choices in that regard, but realizing that has helped me to take the initiative to make very deliberate food choices for our children especially where junk food and sugary snacks are concerned. 

When they were babies, I’d make the majority of their foods from scratch everyday. We have avoided pre-prepared bottled and packaged baby food and drinks since that time, and we were also very picky about the cereals we gave them. I still prefer to make our food from scratch as often as possible – that cuts out a lot of unnecessary (and hidden) sugars, additives and preservatives.

We know we can’t avoid sugar all together because they will find themselves within hidden sugars and junk food somehow, no matter how considered we are about what they eat at home. We don’t think that avoidance and deprivation are necessarily healthy approaches either because they could contribute to all sorts of other emotional and eating issues later on in life. Not that we think there’s an ideal “everything in moderation” path either when it comes to processed foods and sugar, we just took a long time to introduce and allow tiny amounts certain junk food, dairy, bread etc to the kids, just to build their Babylon Immunity. 

This topic is very deep and complex. I don’t want to get into it now, I just want to share the recipes of the nice things we ate yesterday. 

Banana-oats-yoghurt waffles

  1. 4 eggs
  2. 2 teaspoons of Vanilla extract (otherwise the whole thing will smell of eggs. Sies)
  3. 2 bananas 
  4. 2 cups of oats, prepared
  5. Yoghurt for texture (as in, use as much as you need to make the batter waffle-able) – for this batch I used double cream strawberry yoghurt because it’s what we had in the fridge. We don’t do low-fat in this home.


Mush up the banana, add eggs and vanilla extract. Use an electric something to beat the mixture and make it smooth. Add prepared oats, beat again. Add as much yoghurt as you need to make the batter optimal for waffles. beat again. 

Make sure that the waffle iron is pre-heated and set to high. Use your preferred non-stick method on the iron. Add your batter and close. It takes a bit longer to make oats waffles than it does to make flour waffles so just be patient. 

I’ve been playing around with ingredients combo for a few years. I first used used it to make muffins. You can also use these ingredients to make flapjacks, and smoothies (obviously without the eggs and vanilla extract)

Random: I’ve discovered that grilled bananas are sweeter than raw bananas, by the way, and this is a great substitute for sugar in smoothies, baked goods and desserts. You don’t even have to add honey. Even if you grill and freeze bananas, they’re still very sweet. And bananas are magic for their texture. I use them in almost every dessert, smoothie, flourless baking recipe…

Coffee-chocolate-cake ice-cream

  1. 500ml cream
  2. 6 eggs separated
  3. Vanilla extract 
  4. 2 tablespoons of coffee
  5. 2 tablespoons of your choice of sweetener (I used brown sugar for batch)
  6. 100ml boiling water 
  7. 1 cup left over chocolate cake, crumbled (I made and froze a chocolate cake a little while ago, so I used that)


Make the concentrated coffee mixture and sugar with the boiling water and allow it to cool. 

In separate bowls: 

  • Beat egg whites til they form stiff peaks. 
  • Whip the cream
  • Mix egg yolk and vanilla extract. Add the cool coffee mixture

Fold the whipped cream into the egg whites. 

Fold in the egg yolk and coffee mixture

Add crumbed cake and stir through once or twice to mix it in. 

Place in a 2litre container and freeze. 

Nix Mapha 👻

Amazing Race

A close friend of ours asked me to participate in an interview for the Mail&Guardian about if/how/when to speak to children about race. I thought I’d be ready to share supermangondovious insights but I was quite intimidated. Imagine. I’m the child of comrades. You’d think I was born ready.

We are raising mixed race children in South Africa and we haven’t worked out exactly what we are going to do or say to discuss race with our children as they grow.  We aspire and constantly are working to build a community and family with Ubuntu and umRhabulo*, but…yoh…

In my mind, I’ve already written emails to school teachers from our children’s futures dragging them for saying something harmful “with good intentions” that end in apologies of “sorry if we offended anyone”. In fact, MEC Lesufi has already met me at the school gates, after school. I’m already throwing salads to protect our children. I’ve thought about many scenarios, and how much maMkhize will be needed to deal with each of them…

…but I haven’t been able to confront the thought of how and when we would tell our children about race AT HOME. I feel sick to my stomach at the thought that we have to equip our children in the same way our parents had to do for us when we returned from exile where our community was multi-racial and multicultural, yet somehow, the question of our humanity as Africans and as black people wasn’t problematized, despite it being the reason we were there. Anti-black racism and tribalism only really became a part of my childhood once we moved back to SA. I spoke to other friends who grew up in exile and their experience was similar. 

Now, the big bad Apartheid is supposed to be over but we live its effects everyday, and then the ANC is doing the most as a government and political party. Wow. I just want to build a bunker and hide our children. 

How we will be able to help our children to contextualise themselves in familial and world histories AND have a healthy, peaceful and integrated sense of identity, belonging and community? We don’t know. This is what hurts. 

I keep thinking ya, vele, I’m ready to fight, but when I hear about what my friends’ toddlers – black and mixed race, are saying and asking about themselves, their hair, gender, skin colour etc… tears well up in my eyes and suddenly there is fatigue and heartache where my fight is supposed to be.

Another thing: we can’t talk about race without talking about class, gender, sexual orientation, religion and and and…so basically there are no shortcuts or easy answers and we certainly cannot avoid these conversations if we are to raise well adjusted, self and socially aware human beings. We have to be ready to have age appropriate conversations about pretty much everything, til they’re grown and ready to tell us how little we know, and how little we have done.

I don’t have the answers right now, but I think our approach has to be consistent with how we have been raising our children all along – putting them first, and acting with Love at all times. 

L – Leading by example. 

Children are astute, intuitive and intelligent. They see things and make connections long before they can articulate themselves verbally, and they watch what we do, more than they listen to what we say. Whatever the world will show them out there, we need to be the truth we want them to hold and honour in their lives. 

We must raise them to acknowledge and understand uncomfortable truths, as well as to ask uncomfortable questions, even to themselves. We have to make sure they know and love themselves well, understand their place and privilege. We are building to ensure that they are grounded in a rich, dynamic community that affirms who they are as well as the humanity of others.

O – Openness. 

It’s important that we acknowledge our limits and the impact of our conditioning. We didn’t face the same issues that our children are about to face (well, I can only speak for myself, really. I’m pretty sure the extent of the discrimination their father has faced is because he’s a ginger) so we have to remain open in our hearts and minds to be able to meet them in their places of learning and interrogation with honesty, humility and consideration. 

V – Values. Vulnerability. 

There is nothing incidental or insignificant about the way the world is, so we cannot take anything for granted, least of all what we stand for and believe in. As parents we know a lot, but not everything, and it’s important that we nurture a space where we can be vulnerable and let them be vulnerable. 

We have some difficult questions to answer, but they won’t even ask us, if they feel they can’t reach out to us. 

E – Empathy.

I’ve had some strong (and borderline judgey) opinions on raising children with self, social and political awareness. Of course it’s simple and straightforward when the children in mind, are only in one’s mind. Now that I’m a mother, I declare, I am humbled and schooled. The world is complex and contradictory, we are always learning and re-learning, parents and children alike.

Now that we are having this conversation with each other, we are telling ourselves that it’s ok to feel anxious, overwhelmed and unprepared. It’s ok to get some things wrong, to try and fail. We cannot prevent our children from experiencing pain and confusion, but if we practice empathy, there’s healing in that, for us and for them. 

*UmRhabulo: colloquially used to define social and political conscientization. Also the name of the ANC’s magazine that we grew up seeing around the house.

Mind Your Language

It still surprises me that people are surprised that a Zulu mum speaks isiZulu to her children. And by my surprise I mean tired and sad because I know why it seems unusual or even radical, and especially so, because our children are biracial.

I try not to make a big deal out of speaking to our children in isiZulu but I get a lot of questions about it, too many questions actually…

There are a lot of myths and straight lies about children’s potential for linguistic development and verbal expression. 

 Do your research about the benefits of multilingualism for your children. When you know what’s what, misinformation and hidden agendas will fall back. 

One of the biggest and most popular myths is that children get confused by many languages being spoken at once so it’s best to speak only English to children so that they will be fluent, (and twang) and pretty much, the implication of that is they will excel academically, and excel in life nje by virtue of a twang. Private and former Model C schools love this myth, and they’re still pushing it, for their own misguided (or sinister) reasons.

There is nothing incidental about making sure our children are multilingual when we live in a world that is linguistically and culturally dominated by English.
They get English at pre-school, from their father, the world in general, and on television. There is no reason for them to hear it from me too. I just can’t.

Our approach to language is quite straightforward – we speak, sing and read to our children exclusively in our respective home languages: isiZulu and English. Their nanny Mpati is from Matatiele so she also adds seSotho into their box of language treasures. 

Our children took a bit longer to start talking, because of the different languages they’re exposed to, but now, their Zunglish is unparalleled 🔥🔥🔥 We aren’t pedantic about all the mixing and codeswitching because oksalayo, they’re expressing themselves in and both understand isiZulu and English. 

To be honest though, it does take a bit more work and consideration to ensure that they speak and understand isiZulu, especially when we as their parents speak English to each other 70-80% of the time. 

 I’d be kidding myself if I thought they’d somehow pick up isiZulu through osmosis and my intentions and not through my 1. creative, 2. consistent and 3. conscious effort. It’s not a big deal, and it’s not difficult, but my effort is required. Much like with every other aspect of parenting – it’s not random or incidental.

Here are the 3 Cs of our approach to language development:

1. Creative 

A few years ago, it was a struggle to find good quality isiZulu children’s books. I even struggled to find uMasihambisane for example, and I hated all the “uSipho udlala ibhola. Dlala Sipho.” types of unimaginative crap that was available. I improvised by translating the existing English books we had. Tim would read the English version and I would read the isiZulu version. 

We read together at bedtime, but also on demand. When the children want a story, we oblige whenever possible. 

Every year, there are more and better quality isiZulu children’s books available, there is now more variety, that is more widely available, I keep my eyes open and buy whenever possible.

I also had to reteach myself isiZulu nursery rhymes, folk songs, folk tales and children’s games that I’d left behind in childhood. My family sends voicenotes to jog my memory, I also play these for the kids. 

We also play a lot of music for them – Black Mambazo, Brenda, Big Nuz, Madala Kunene, Brown Dash, whatever nje. Then of course, I make up songs too. 

2. Consistent 

Language is something we learn from birth.    I speak isiZulu with them from birth. This is another obvious one, but I sometimes speak to myself in English, so I have to remember to put isiZulu first when communicating with our children. 

And of course, it’s taking everything from point 1. and applying it every day, and encouraging everyone around us to do the same, in English or isiZulu when they’re with our children. 

Our children also take isiZulu as a class at school, just to impress the idea that isiZulu, like English can be found in other environments and not just in their mother’s lap.

3. Conscious 
This is about simply putting some awareness and mindfulness into what comes out of my mouth, for example: a) taking care not to code switch even when they speak to me in English. b) Minding my own vocabulary and grammar. Again these are obvious but sometimes something obvious is easily overlooked or forgotten.

Here is a big one for me: Speaking words of love, affirmation and kindness in isiZulu. So often we joke about our mother tongue being a linguistic wet waslap to discipline us and bring us back to earth, and as such I think the connotations can be that our languages are harsh and rigid. I think it’s as important that for our children, isiZulu is associated with tenderness, compassion and care so that they don’t develop an unconscious aversion to it as they grow. 

None of what I’ve shared is groundbreaking. Children don’t just magically learn languages but we don’t need to overthink it either. Just speak, sing and read to them consistently and they will catch up. I know a lot of mums struggle with this overthinking because we are constantly grappling with issues of culture and identity, and language is caught up in that. Working mums especially, often feel guilty about being away from their children all day so they don’t think they can speak, sing and read to their kids enough and that guilt and anxiety makes them afraid to even try. Just gooi man. It’s ok. 

I guess I’m just affirming that every aspect of raising our children requires conscious thought and consistent effort. I’m also saying there’s no formula – only time and effort. 

Also forgive yourself, but don’t stop trying if it’s important to you.