Writing about sex on a mum blog should just be simple, because I’m a grown up, and sex is what caused me to become a mother in the first place. But I’m sitting here wondering how much is too much? I don’t want alliancepartner to ask for his cows back on account of me telling our business to the internet. I’m going to try to keep it general.
Here’s the thing – there’s sex, and then there’s parent sex. Technically, they are the same thing, but practically, they are very different.
When you don’t have a baby, you can have sex whenever and wherever. It’s so simple because you’ve only got yourselves to consider. When you have a baby, it becomes a bit tricky. You have to navigate a new body, a new baby’s rhythm and a new relationship with your partner. There are so many changes that come at once, there is often insecurity and anxiety that lurks, even when we think we are getting the hang of things. All of this is totally normal.
Firstly, there are logistical considerations to be made.
As a parent to a baby (and/or small child who isn’t old enough to entertain themselves), when sex crosses your mind, you have to determine the logistical feasibility of jumping your partner’s bones, like if baby is sleeping, and where they are sleeping, for example.
OK, let’s say baby is sleeping, and not in your way *proceed to highlighted route*
If it’s your first time having sex since giving birth, maybe you’ll start wondering what’s gonna happen with your breasts that are full of milk? What if you squirt him in the face? What if he likes it? Is that weird? Lights on or off? Is everything back to normal? Am I ready to have something go in there after something huge and human just came out?
You will probably be worried about your new body – is it attractive and receptive? If you had a natural birth, and your partner witnessed the birth, you might worry if he’s ready to face the Portal when he goes down there. If you had a c-section, you might feel unsure because he’s seen your insides.
The best thing to do is take it slow. Take it back to 1st base, 2nd base. Introduce him (and yourself) to your new body at a pace that feels comfortable for you. Talk about the changes you’ve gone through, find out how he feels, what he’s anxious about, and looking forward to. Take your time. For some people, this could mean a few weeks, and others it means months. Whatever works for you.
Sometimes, everything will align and feel perfect, you’ll be feeling like making another baby. Other times, your baby will wake up just as you get into reverse cowgirl, or, you will talk a big game, and fall asleep holding hands.
Trying to keep your sex life alive while dealing with sleep deprivation, tears, hormones, and other issues, can be quite a thing. In trying to maintain regular sex, some couples schedule their rounds like appointments (you may be familiar with this if you were trying to conceive for a long time).
While this approach doesn’t work for everyone, it does have some merits to it, even if only in principle.
1. Having a baby will shift everything in your life. You have more than just yourselves to consider. You have to acknowledge that the dynamics of your relationship have changed, so, you have to allow yourself to become flexible in order to adjust to your new reality.
2. Communication is so key. You have to make sure you’re on the same page, and be sensitive to each other. You’re both new to this thing.
3. You have to make time for yourself and your partner, don’t take it for granted that you are in the same house. Raising a child is so utterly consuming, you can begin to neglect yourself and your relationship. Watch out for that.
Having said all that; be mindful, but try not to overthink things. Sometimes a backrub or 2 Am snuggle can lead to amazing things. May the Spirit of Yoncé guide you.