Before we had our children, we asked ourselves and each other questions about if and how we would love our children because phela we didn’t know what it would feel like. How will we know if we truly love our children? What if they really irritate us? What if they grow up to vote for the DA?
At first, loving two children was a bit confusing because ok sho, there’s all this love but it’s completely different for each child, so I worried that maybe I wasn’t being a good parent because I didn’t love my children in the same way.
This caused me to reevaluate what I thought love was, and how I felt about myself as a mother in general. And I confronted a whole lot of muck about feeling inadequate, and guilty and and and, which I’ve shared about a lot in previous posts.
I eventually came to a place of resolution and peace that fine, I don’t love our children the same, because they are not the same, but I love them equally.
When Kima was born, I fell in love with him exactly how I loved him with all the stars in the sky, when he first appeared to me in a dream in 2008. My whole everything radiated love for him. I didn’t think I had the capacity for more love, and then we had Nini (who was a complete mystery to me, plus her pregnancy was very difficult) but there was more love, a whole ‘nother love, a new love.
The love I have for them is dynamic and infinite. It grows with them and reflects their needs and uniqueness.
Sometimes this love causes me to pray gazillions of gratitude into the heavens, sometimes it’s the only thing stopping me from running out of the house and going to The Saxon to spend our grocery budget on champagne.
Learning and embracing all the different ways I love my children has brought new dimensions to how I love myself and how alliancepartner and I love each other as lovers, friends and co-parents.
We can be selfless while putting ourselves first. We can give and give and take and take while our hearts and spirits remain full. Love is whatever it needs to be, and does whatever it needs to do. It’s work and sustenance; it’s a challenge, lesson, and an affirmation.